Like, they expected a huge genuine smile and enthusiastic thank you, but you had a medium-sized smile and a semi-enthusiastic thank you, and your partner was super disappointed? Ever craved snuggle time and felt let down when your partner chose to hug the popcorn bowl during the movie and fall asleep wrapped in a blanket alone?
Don’t panic.
This just means that you and your partner haven’t learned one another’s love languages just yet. And that’s totally fine - it’s easy to solve and before you know it, you’ll have a better understanding of how one another receive love.
Gary Chapman, a renowned relationship counsellor, first identified the love languages in his 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. He outlines five distinct ways that romantic partners express and experience love, cue the “love language” - they are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
Our default is usually to express love in the way that we expect to receive it, but that can be a fruitless endeavour because that method may not be as valuable to them.
The key is to recall that just because you receive love in one or two ways, it does not mean that your partner receives love in the same way one or two ways. For example, just because you feel loved through words of affirmation, it doesn’t mean that they make your partner feel warm and fuzzy and loved.
Your partner may receive love through gifts - so bring them home that Starbucks coffee they love (latte with 2% milk and 1/2 pump of sugar-free vanilla for anyone asking) to show them you thought of them! Once you learn how your partner receives love, you can adjust the way you express love so that it meets the way they receive it.
Learning one another’s love languages and speaking them can brighten any romance!
Let’s break down these mysterious love languages.
And remember, according to Chapman’s theory, each person has one primary (which speaks more deeply to you than all the others) and one secondary love language, so you’re not limited to just one method of receiving romantic love.
Do you melt when your partner tells you how beautiful/handsome you are? Or encouraged you with words of support when you felt down? Or thanked you for a task you did? Or perhaps been saddened when your partner didn’t send a compliment your way? I am pretty sure this one is me. In fact, I KNOW this one is me. I’m a words girl. I love when my partner tells me they love me, and tells me how pretty I am, or how much they enjoy our time together. Appreciation and praise for the win. If any of this rings true for you, then your love language may also be words of affirmation - where the words your partner shares with you lift your spirits and make you feel loved.
Are you the type that likes when your partner brings them a cup of coffee in the morning? Or are you smitten when you return home and your partner has cleaned the kitchen and walked the dog? Or perhaps you know that your partner is tickled pink when they show up for movie night and you’ve already cooked them their favourite cookies!
I promise not all acts of service pertain to food - that’s just where my mind goes. An act of service could also include grabbing the groceries from the car for you before you come in the house. OK, a non-food one has to exist. Hmm, let's see. When your partner goes out to buy toilet paper without you having to ask. Yes. Bingo. Now that’s true love. If your love language is acts of service, I hope your partner enjoys expressing love through service too.
Are you on cloud nine when you show up for Netflix night and your partner has bought those delicious gummy bears you love? Was your partner away and brought you back gifts from every city they visited? Or maybe your partner bought you those Lululemons you’ve been wanting, or that newest iPhone you’ve been eyeing, and now you’re totally thrilled.
Not only did you get what you wanted, but the gift represents so much more. It means that your partner thought of you. With you, it’s the thought that counts. If you said yes, yes, yes and yes, then receiving gifts could be one of your love languages.
Who’s all about the undivided attention? Phones away, time with one another is the focus - whether that be cooking together, or sitting together watching Netflix.
Pretty sure this is my second language of love. Sign me up.
Quality time can manifest in any number of ways. It can simply be taking a walk together or going for a hike where there's no signal to intrude upon the day - talking, listening, or being comfortable in one another’s silence.
Simply put, it's focused time where it’s just the two of you in your beautiful bubble.
Do you feel super loved when you and your partner are walking down the street and they reach out to hold your hand? Do you love when your partner makes their way to you and gives you an unprompted kiss on the cheek? Or touches you in some way as they walk past you. Is sex and all the connection that comes with it (let your mind wander) your primary method of connecting with your partner? Do you feel loved when your partner's legs brush against you when you sit beside one another?
If you said yes to these being the primary way you receive love best, then your love language could be physical touch. The emotional power of physical touch is real. And your partner should know that holding hands with you goes a long, long way to making you feel super loved.
Thankfully Dr. Chapman thought of everything. His website includes an online quiz for couples and singles alike! You’ll answer a variety of questions (as will your partner, if you’re taken) and see what your language of love is. And if you’re single, you can take the quiz and learn your own languages of love so that you’re prepared for your next relationship.
Dr. Chapman also suggests that discovering your partner’s love language involves observing the way they express love to others, pay attention to what they complain about most (is it, “you never get me anything” or is it “you never touch me”).
So what are your languages of love? And do you think you’re showering your partner in their languages of love?
Maybe it’s time to pull up your try hard pants and figure out your own language of love so that you can communicate it to your partner - and let’s be honest, your family and friends, so that they can express their love to you in a way that you “hear” and gives you the warm fuzzies. Because at the end of the day, isn't that what we all want.
