No matter how old you are, how seasoned you are, how rich you are, or how many followers you have on Instagram, ghosting (the sudden withdrawal from all contact with a potential romantic partner) never makes you feel like the whole, remarkable person you are. Suddenly having all contact severed can trigger every insecurity you’ve ever had. Every single one.
So I've only included happy photos throughout this blog to remind you that life is happy and beautiful, and will be lovely once you let the ghost go.
So back to ghosts.
I was once chatting with a guy for weeks. It was incessant. We chatted all day, every day (which I now know is a red flag - wisdom from past me). He was bright, moderately attractive, super tall, athletic, close with his family - was there any box this guy didn’t check? I was eager to meet him. Let’s call him, J (for the sake of his anonymity, because unlike him, I’m a decent person).
I didn’t have myself married to this guy in my future vision, but I had planned at least one hypothetical trip to Mexico.
We met on a dating app. We chatted and exchanged intimate, emotionally in-depth details of our lives - about our families, love for our nieces and contemplations of the world and the self. I was thrilled to see his name pop-up on my phone. Our text exchanges and phone chats were the equivalent of laying under a blanketed starry-sky, exposing the depths of our souls.
It was filled with potential. So we decided that, despite living in different cities, we would meet in person. And it was after that meeting that I was totally ghosted.
He was a first year associate at a law firm, and so life was busy. Not too busy to text me incessantly when it suited him - but apparently far too busy to respond to any of my messages post date.
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t super impressed with him on our date. His warmth was totally absent, and I definitely didn’t feel like I was speaking to the guy with whom I’d established that emotional intimacy via phone and text. The energy wasn’t really there.
Naturally, when we left the date, I still had that vision of who I thought he was.
And I was terribly disappointed and felt so lost when he failed to respond to any of my further messages. Handling this with class would have required sending a simple text. Instead he sent me a moderately explanatory text - one that really didn’t have much substance and I never heard from him again.
Don’t let getting ghosted make you ghost yourself as well - you still exist and have worth. Invest in yourself instead.
I was left thinking: did I have spinach in my teeth the whole night? Did I have bad breath? I know I’m funny and witty and bright and pretty (and humble ;)) so that can’t be it.
But all jokes aside, I was remarkably hurt. And even though I did receive some sort of text, closure was not had. I had invested time and energy into this person, and as a result, I had imagined what my time with him would feel like and what our future might look like. I didn’t have myself married to this guy in my future vision, but I had planned at least one hypothetical trip to Mexico.
Lesson from Ghoster #1: Closure comes from within - that’s for sure. If you wait for anyone else to bring you closure, you may be waiting a very, very long time.
Now, onto the next ghoster. Ghoster numero dos.
N was a family friend. We met once, then re-met at a wedding. Sparks flew at the wedding, so we planned a hiking date for the following week. And that hiking day was brilliant - we were hot, sweaty, and had lovely conversation amidst the climb. From the climb we found a lake, parked semi-illegally and had a wonderful swim in the crisp, cool water. We then stopped for iced coffees, and finally we called an end to the date. It was magic.
Over the next couple weeks, we had a few more really nice dates.
Shortly after, N had to leave to another city on an election campaign, and encouraged me to come visit him. So we planned a visit for two weeks from then!
Get this. This is the unreal part - I went to the other city to see him and he failed to respond to me until the day I was leaving. Literally read my messages and did not respond. He ignored my texts and WhatsApp messages, until I finally contacted him on Facebook Messenger to inquire as to his well-being.
A day and a half later he responded with a half-assed “Thanks for checking in, been super busy”. I responded with a lengthier response airing some of my grievances - I wasn’t even upset by him not seeing me, rather more so I was upset by him not communicating at all. He then said he’d be in touch when he got back to our home city after the election.
The true magic is finding someone who you know will respond to your emotional needs, and your text messages.
Well, I guess that election has been a lengthy one. Last time I checked, the federal elections called it quits in November, but N must still be posting signs somewhere because I’ve yet to hear from him.
N is history. I’ve moved on to much more magical, genuine, fulfilling horizons that definitely don’t include him. The true magic is finding someone who you know will respond to your emotional needs, and your text messages.
Lesson from Ghoster #2: N taught me another important lesson. When you give people the power to control how you feel, you lose that power. It is never up to someone else to dictate how you feel about yourself.
Being ghosted seems daunting and inexplicable. You’re left confused, and questioning your every last move. How could I have acted differently to avoid this outcome? What’s wrong with me? Am I asking for too much? Am I too clingy? Maybe I could have adjusted my expectations and done a “friends with benefits” thing? Maybe I pushed too hard? Maybe I’m just too much.
Every self-doubt consuming thought you have comes to dominate, and your brilliant shimmer - that shine that makes you the special human you are - dulls.
Do not let your shine be dulled.
Here's what to remember when dealing with ghosting.
Remember, it says much more about them than it says about you: When that cloud of self-doubt emerges, remind yourself of this - when you are ghosted by someone, it says much more about them than it does about you. Really - it’s not you, it’s them.
Communication is a building block of any relationship: If someone ghosts you, that tells you that they don’t have the coping skills or communication skills to engage in an adult relationship. Imagine trying to navigate the ups and downs of life with a partner who is totally unresponsive to your needs - and runs like a squirrel when they can’t take the heat. That, my friend, is not a partner.
You control how you feel - no one else: The truth is that the responsibility for how we feel lies with us. Don't give anyone else that power.
Say no to bad vibes: Your energy is precious, don't let anyone's toxicity impede your powerful energy. Surround yourself with family and good friends, and those who appreciate you.
When one door closes, another door opens: This may sound cliche and horribly impossible to imagine when you feel the hurt of being disregarded by another human being, but it is the truth. A person who ghosts you is not someone who can cherish you and make you feel emotionally safe.
You’ve got this. Don’t let getting ghosted make you ghost yourself as well. Invest in yourself instead. Nourish and nurture your soul and remember: you’re a gem, live your life as one.
